If you're like me, you have an affinity for leisure activities, have been though one or more (four) traumatizing breakups, and prefer to not be restricted from doing high kicks and impulse-lunges at your every whim. If so, then you clearly have a solid collection of stretch pants. The loose, flexible fit will help you get through even the toughest of life's emotional challenges.
 
Life is hard enough as it is.
Your waistband shouldn't be.

I have two leisure wear drawers in my dresser, filled with these lycra magicians.  If you are looking to increase your collection, start with a 1:1 ratio of stretch pants to regular pants. Some examples from my personal life:    

              stretch pants                         regular pants
                 yoga pants                           denim
                 sweatpants                          leather
                   warm-ups                         pinstripe
               sequin leggings                    seersucker
                stirrup-pants                        tweed
               
So easy, right!?  Now, it's time to explore the many ways your stretch pants collection can be used to enhance your daily life.

Only once in a Jurassic Era of Earth's existence do we get the chance to learn from a species such as THE DINOSAUR.

Now what is sweet about dinos is that: they seem very fun, they ran things back in the day, and that we pretend to know what color their skin was, when for all we know it could have been hot pink with shimmery gold lightning bolts all over BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FOSSILS OF THEIR SKIN.

But scientists use a little thing called Deductive Reasoning to figure out what color would have been most likely, based on camoflage and what colors God had in his prehostoric paint set.

We have much to learn from these beasts of yesteryear, and I will now list for you the...
 TOP 10 DINOS 
and WHAT WE CAN LEARN FROM THEM

1. STEGOSAURUS

These dinos have the smallest brains (walnut size!) of all, and so their jurrasic bodies compensated by having a SECOND BRAIN in their hips! And THIS is how they would move!
Whatever you lack in brains, make up for it with brute strenth and in having the most nerve endings in your hips. Plus, it can't hurt to swivel those hips like it's 47,000,000 B.C.

So basically, Ricky Martin is a latin descendant of the stegosaurus.

2. TRICERATOPS

Use your natural talents and body parts to impress members of the opposite sex. If you have a big forehead, ram it into the forehead of your competition. If you've got spikes coming out of your face, don't "surprise kiss" anyone. It will only end with bloodshed. 

3. BRONTOSAURUS

Eat your vegetables.  A healthy way to do this is to eat a nice salad before every meal. Keep in mind: this meal could be your last. When's the last time we had an eon-ending meteor shower? Exactly. We are long overdue, my friends.

Plus, you'll get all the nutrients your 4 ton body needs to roam the desert and poach pterodactyls right out of the sky and avoid being murdered alive by this next dino:

4. TYRANNOSAURUS

This is the only photo that has ever been taken of the T-Rex, how menacing!

Even if you have tiny, miniature arms like the
T-Rex, Nemo, Quazimodo, etc. you can still make a big impact on the world. And by impact, I mean alienate everyone around by your behavior and physical deformities.

5. VELOCIRAPTOR

These freaky dinos were naturally social creatures, because they had a fear of being called a "loner" or "lame-o" (two of the scientific terms that paleontologists came up with to describe 
depressing dino behavior).

But Velociraptors were smart, they utilize a wingman to help close the deal.

6. PTERODACTYL

The best way to surprise someone is swooping down from UP ABOVE.

Dinos would expect you to pop out from behind a cliff face or boulder, but rarely did they crane their long, stiff necks to see what was coming from the sky!

7. TROODONTIDS

These clowns have the largest brain-to-body ratio of any dino. They are as intelligent as modern day birds. Which means, they'll do pretty much anything for a piece of stale bread. Real smart, assholes.

It looks just like an ostrich... could there still be TROODONTIDS AMONG US?! (you're welcome, Spielberg, for that premise).

8. ANKYLOSAURUS

They are the wildest of all dinos, and covered in spikes all over their backs.
They even had spikes on their eyelids!
The takeaway: always wear mascara. You never know when National Geographic papparazzi is going to catch you off guard. And you want to look good because hot guys read National Geographic (for real. They do).
 
This thing looks just like an alligator. Could it be that we also have ANKYLOSAURUSES AMONG US?!

9. BRACHIOSAURUS

These jumbos have SPOON-SHAPED TEETH! That can only mean one thing: breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and has been since the dawn of time.

Now many safari enthusiasts who moonlight as paleontologists have commented on how close the bone structure is to that of a giraffe. Could it be.. that we have BRACHIOSAURUSES AMONG US?! It's just too easy.

10. DILOPHOSAURUS

The best way to draw attention away from your face (especially if it's scary)? Wear a bright, colorful and retractable necklace or ruffle around your neck.

That way, people will be mesmerized by it, and not get all caught up on staring at your fangs, snout, bony eyebrows, creepy talons, long tail, green back stripes, hissing tongue...

In the very first episode of Full House, DJ tells Stephanie about her BFF: "Kimmy's not an airhead. She just hates thinking."

Let this be our first lesson. If we have any shortcomings, make it very clear that we possess the skills, but don't actually LIKE to use them.

Amazing. With so much emphasis on "who's the samantha?! and oh no... am I the miranda of our ladygroup!?" I think we need to bring it back to something more down-to-earth and relatable: That obnoxious, oddly dressed neighbor who opened-the-door-without-knocking and stepped right into our lives and teased our siblings for us.

It is with some sense of self-concern that I reveal this to you: I have been told, by professionals in the theatre and medical communities, that I remind them of Kimmy Gibbler. I take this as a compliment, because Kimmy was quick, and always dressed how she felt.

Now it's time to revive your reputation among your closest confidantes, and change things up in the New Year. I have composed a guide to help you change from being "the smart one" or "the hot one" to "The Kimmy Gibbler" of your friend group.

Holler! So it's already 15 days into 2011, and we have so much to talk about.
 First, resolutions:

1. Watch more documentaries. (watched The Cove last night! Oh man, if I ever get to Taiji, Japan I will punch Private Space in the face. If you've seen it, you know who I'm talking about. If not, rent it and have your mind blown).

2. Attend a real pow-wow. First things first, I need to befriend a chief, and earn their trust. I think this would be a really beautiful and fun ceremony, and I'm getting better at the drums every month (sort of, I play a child's drum set from ToysRUs that is intended for 4-6 year olds, but hey... sometimes all you need is that snare and symbol for the magic to come ALIVE). Plus, I LOVE smoked salmon, dressing up colorfully, and the concept of living off the land. If Costner can do it, anyone can.

3. Become fluent in Italian. This one is a repeater from a few years ago, and I was able-tongued enough to get around Italy solo and order cappuccinos and live la dolce vita for a few days, but this time around I'm going for the jugular: I need to obtain an actual godfather to have italian conversations with to appropriately learn about the Old Country, how to incorporate pasta into every meal (bonus!) and confidently justifying a post-lunch nap every day. Genius!

That's what I've got so far. Feel free to let me know your resolutions in the comments section of this post. A resolution is only as good as it's accountability (that totally sounds like a proverb! It IS 3:30am on the eastern seaboard, so my brain turns to Fortune Cookie mode at a certain point. I need to find a way to use that for good). But this way, we can keep each other in check. Like parole officers, but in a fun, new-years-resolution way.


I also have a few music videos that I watch slash listen to a lot, because they are my life anthems right now. I hope that you have a life anthem right now, and if you don't, do some googling or itunes-ing (is THAT a verb? If not, it will be in 2 months. Just watch) to find one.

I'd like to share mine with you. They all make me happy.

This first song I used to drive to all the time in highschool, windows down, fantasizing about living in pasadena and knowing what tequila even tasted like:

Amazing right?! I love this. Who are these clowns in Wave?! They look like a rich man's O-Town. Or a poor man's LFO. Can't tell.

The next video anthem is a cover that this british chick named Lissie does of Kid Cudi's "Pursuit of Happiness." Seriously amazing and highly addictive. This video changed my life for the better, and it's something that rarely occurs in nature: a british girl covering an american guy's hip hop song.
What's up 2011, lets DO THIS.

And finally, if geography and harmony had a lovechild, it'd be named ROCKAPELLA. Proof of that is this gem of a music video of these unaccompanied sensations singing the theme song to the hit afterschool educational show "Where In The World Is Carmen SanDiego?"  This is the "urban edition" with a special beat boxing medley, but the life lessons about petty theft and globetrotting and Female Kleptomania still shine through.

Halfway through the song it's no longer about Carmen and her shenanigans, it's about THE BEAT.
DO IT, ROCKAPELLA!

For anyone born in the 80s who watched this show growing up, there was always an ethical dilemma at the end of the show when the kid in the final map-and-light-post challenge would have to write the name of his dream destination state all huge in marker on this hidden piece of paper, in case he won and the suits had to fly him there.

Do any of you, faithful readers, remember what state you would have put as a child if you won the ultimate prize as a contestant on Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? 

I'd have put FLORIDA. For obvious reasons: Shamu was at Sea World Orlando. (But now after seeing The Cove I would have to go with Maine. Watch it, unless you want to continue utilizing your season's pass to Sea World, then definitely don't!)

I love infomercials for several reasons:
1. Crazy people can talk about weird products for a LONG time
2. There's always a big "reveal" at the end, like in the hit blockbuster "The Prestige." This reveal is usually 36 extra parts and accessories, or an insulated carrying case
3. I rarely get to be screamed at by people hyped up on red bull and battery acid, so it's a nice change of pace
4. I can sympathize with Hoarders because the presentation and showmanship is hypnotizing
5. The item for sale is something totally unnecessary that never occurs in nature - UNTIL NOW

Apparently that psycho that fathered Balloon Boy and captured the nation's attention and collective annoyance has a new product, THE BEAR SCRATCH. Beloved OxyClean spokesman and should've-been pro-wrestler Billy Mays (R.I.P.) has inspired whack-job Richard Heene's new infomerical for his genius invention, that's really nothing more than a stick nailed to the wall. FINALLY! I'm calling NOW.

In the meantime while you wait for the special stick to arrive in the mail, you can put up a wooden pole on a corner wall in your home, and just like our ancestors - BEARS - we have instincts to rub up against something with our backs in order to awaken from hibernation and gain energy to go out looking for berries.

And you'll recognize one of the child actors in there also, the famous BALLOON BOY! Now with longer hair and a personality disorder, no doubt a genetic one.

This is seriously weird. Everyone likes a good scratch on the back or a deep tissue massage, and if you have that hard-to-shop-for lumberjack in the family, or a pet grizzly, this could make a great gift for them!

There's nothing like lacing your everyday conversations with lines from the most quotable movie about a modern family, that was ripped apart at the top and infiltrated by a tranny granny, who just wants his kids back.

First off, Robin Williams is a genius. This electrifying one man slash woman show gave us these gems:

1. The whole time? The whole time?! The WHOLE TIME??!?!?!
2. My first day as a woman and I'm already getting hot flashes.
3. I'm a raptor, doin' what I can, gonna eat everything til the appearance of man. Yo yo see me, I'm living below the soil. I'll be back but I'm comin' as OIL.
4. I hope you bring cocktail sauce. She's got the crabs dear and I don't mean Dungeness.
5. I do a great impression of a hot dog.
6. I was in a band, Severe Tire Damage. I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then?
7. Oh, a boy. I don't work with the males, because I used to be one.
8. Oh, as I hold this cold meat I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.


Find a way to use them in your daily life!

Being in Seattle makes me super happy, because I get to look at relics from my past and just laugh. Mostly because the fam is good times and it's like a nonstop walking tour around my childhood home and hometown. I was told yesterday at a reunion that when my name came up in conversation, the person said "Oh yeah, Jenna! She always wore the spandex unitards!" and that did nothing to narrow down where I knew them from, since I wore those for fun (and for a swimsuit) under my clothes in junior high, high school, summer camp, college, and still do now as a full blown adult human. I could have met that person at any point in my life, and I was wearing a unitard, and that is the defining memory. That is fun to me.

And now, a Top Five for today of what I'm looking at.


1. The U.S.S. Brister, an actual naval ship that was commissioned back in the day by a hottie named Blanche Brister.

2. The majestic view of the seattle skyline, from a ferry boat

3.  This old picture that was in the Brister family calendar, from our vacay to ocean shores (that was my favorite leotard EVER. It's so psychedelic!)

4.  The rain flooded over part of the Soos Creek Trail, which is nature's way of saying "turn around, little friend." So I did.

5.  How children in Seattle are raised.

Holler!

Okay for real, do you want to hang out sometime? I picture us rollin in your five hundred benz, throwing up the dub and keeping it real as one. I'm down. If your drivers license has expired since you've been hiding out abroad, it's no bigs, I can pick you up on my scooter.

I would never turn you in, because I totally get it. If I was being hunted down by the Feds for something called money laundering (authors' note: I still to this day do not know what this crime actually is, if you have a background or foreground in Finance or Economics or Criminal Masterminding, please send me a personal message on my contact page and explain it to me in simple, monosyllabic words. Gracias).

But truly, your poetry-put-to-music has gotten me through many a long drive or jog around the neighborhood. And also helped me understand that Life DOES Go On, and that there is a heaven for a G. And every experience I've had confirms that California DOES know how to party.

I think it'd be good if you came back from Fiji (or wherev you are chilling out at right now) and come to Crooklyn and explain to me how you thought of the lyrics for Changes. I don't understand how that song is not yet inducted into the Vatican Hall of Fame Songbook, because it IS time for us as a people to start making some changes. To change the way we live, to change the way we eat, to change the way we treat each other. Agreed on all fronts! First Lady Michelle Obama has a campaign called Lets Move, all about being healthy. I'm sure she'd love to sit down with you for tea and talk about your ideas for other changes that need to happen, and can a brother get a little peace? because there's war on the streets and war in the middle east, STILL! You sang that years ago. Decades later your lyrics are relevant and timely.
Just call me and lets cruise. Weeknights are sometimes good, but usually Fridays and Sundays are the most chill. Let me know what your schedge looks like, and we'll lock it up.

But for real, does Shug still hold it against you that he got blamed for it? I bet you guys had a good laugh over that. I miss your laugh. I only heard it when I watched the hit blockbuster Poetic Justice.

Now it's only a matter of time before the suits in Hollywood cast you in the next buddy cop bromance (authors' note: I hate that word but had to use it, my apologies) where you and Mini-Me (verne troyer) are south central PD's resident jokesters, always pulling pranks on other cops and then when one goes awry, you're forced to face down an ugly past and scary hoodlums (this is the part where the director will just let you do your thing and roll camera, because these will likely be raw emotions, so just give it a go and feel free to name names).

Either way, let's get coffee sometime. I hope you emerge from hiding soon, because right now Eminem is pretty much carrying the torch solo as far as lyricology goes. We need you.

It will be big news when you come back to Cali. Your hit single "California Love" is overdue for a revival, and I know someone who would be thrilled to have the showmanship of Tupac in his cabinet.
In the voice of Ahhnold Schwarzenegger: The Paaahhhc is Baaahhck.

I hope that wherever you are as you are reading this, that it's sunny and that you're happy. Miss you. I love you, Pac.

Always and forever,

Jenna

I know this may upset my PETA readership, but I have been falling asleep to the sound of tiny feet scurrying around under my dresser, and the creepiness needs to stop. I'm not sure what they're attracted to in there, since I do not live a Camp Hope cabin lifestyle (of the hit fat camp blockbuster "Heavyweights") where I hide Butterfingers and Gushers in my bedpost, as not to get caught by a coked-up Ben Stiller in a spandex unitard (though that would be amazing). So what are these little mice after?
Friendship?
A warm place to wander around in the night?
My shoes?  To build a nest in my hair?

I'm all about sharing and communal living, but the line is drawn at mini rodents. Here is what the little squatters look like:   (manacing, eh?)

Me: Yikes! Anything that doesn't involve bloodshed?
Red: These sticky sheets are effective, and super cheap. You will have to get creative about how you finish the job, though.
Me: True. I am creative.
Red: That's good.
Me: So I just lay this in their path, and wait for the tiny screams?
Red: Exactly.

It's at this moment that a girl approaches, who has clearly been eavesdropping on our scheme. She explains with wild eyes how she had a mouse problem, and she got this box that electrocutes them as soon as they walk through the tiny door. She swears by them.  The only part she didn't like was the body-disposal part, where you have to slide open the door of this electric chamber, and shake the fried corpse out into a garbage can.  YEAH RIGHT like I'm going to do that. I thank her for the recommendation. Red and I make eye contact and he gives me a knowing nod. That was out of my torture range, and wildeyes clearly had some other issues besides mice. Like bloodlust.
But I like her enthusiasm.

Me: Lets go with the glue sheets.
Red: Good choice. Their the cheapest, too.
Me: I also need a two-by-four, for when they're stuck.
Red: Now you're talking.
Me: I'm kidding. I need it to prop up a shelf.

So now it's the waiting game. I put in earplugs last night, just in case one got stuck and made distress noises. That's the kind of sound that could haunt a person for life. So could getting stuck on a sheet of glue that wasn't there before as you're walking a well-worn path in the dark. Whatev.

But Red also warned me that if you don't throw the sheet out after it snatches one up, then they will start to smell. And since I have houseguests on the way up from DC as I type this, I had better ball up and shine a tiny flashlight under there, and see what's going on.

This is what I am likely to find:

There is something really precious and beautiful about seeing a post-it note with a loving, positive affirmation on it, especially in an unguarded moment when you forgot that it was YOU who wrote it in the first place. It's good to tell yourself nice things. You ARE fun and great. You ARE wonderful. You ARE so much more brave than you realize.

It's also fun to pretend like other people are telling you the nice things, just to keep it fresh and interesting. Some examples from the messages on my mirror right now are:

You are wonderful! I love you!
-Padre

Enjoy it Jenna, this one's for you!
You've been good!
 - The Universe

You're so weird, but I like your energy. I'm into it.
Welcome to the payroll, now let's pull an all-nighter and yes you can call me boss!
-Lorne Michaels

Go ahead, right now, and make some affirmations for yourself and put them in a place you'll see them every day.  What would Will Smith say to you? Write it down, and make sure to include that it's from him. He's a positive man, and likes to have a good time obviously (see: entire series of Fresh Prince.) You get it.

This video has been online for awhile and I just now saw it, but this is what I'm talking about. These are the levels of life-love and self-love that we should all be at. Now I'm going to go stand on my bathroom counter and achieve my dreams!  Watch this: