It seems like there are entire stores devoted to everything I wish I could do. Some examples of stores I've paused in front of, and gazed at in silent envy:
1. Knitting
2. Guitar-strumming
3. Scrapbooking
4. Plumbing
5. Pet ownership

But I still haven't taken the plunge and bought those needles, laid out those photos on decorative cardstock, or adopted that Saint Bernard.

I've always blamed my busy schedule, nice apartment or Hanson-like singing voice on why I've waited on all of the above, but now I know the real reason. The stores just didn't sound "circusy" enough:

With their "Tremendous Selection" I'm sure to find one new hobby instrument in "Hundreds of new & rebuilt accordions all at discount prices." (If anyone in South Amboy is reading my website, please notify A-O-R that I'm out here, and that I'm ready to strap up and start pounding the ivory.

Let this be a warning to those Hobby Huts and Knit-Wits (I made that up just now), add a pinch of Barnum and a dash of Bailey, and people will come.

If there is one ballet I can't even begin to understand, it's the Nutcracker. It seems like one big nightmare involving large rodents and kitchen appliances gone psycho.
But actual nutcrackers can be helpful if you're sitting around your study, blowing dust off of rare books, puffing on a pipe and reaching into a bowl of shelled snacks. It's only when they insert them into the neck or body of a toy wooden soldier does it become confusing.

In this weird What On Earth catalog (see previous "Manpillow" entry), there's a page of Obama Administration gag gifts. Right next to the Obama Chia Head of State is this SALE ITEM (do they discount because she lost?)

HILLARY NUTCRACKER: complete with blue power blazer, butch blond haircut, and f-you Bill state of mind. 

Spice up your holiday snack table, or bring a stone-cold presence to that life-like nativity scene on your coffee table.
Now you can shell walnuts AND make a political statement.

The little paragraph also re-names her "Hillary the Thighmistress." And that she has rock-solid STAINLESS STEEL THIGHS FOR GETTING THE JOB DONE. Brilliant. I'm getting one.

Finally, a nutcracker that doesn't give me the creeps. The willies maybe, but this isn't as bad as the soldier that haunts my christmas-time ballet nightmares.

One of my favorite things to do at work is go through the ridiculous catalogs that somehow make it into print.
My fave: What on Earth.
Yes, it's called that, because WHAT ON EARTH are these things that you are selling, and WHO are the crazy cat ladies and sassy grandmas and library book enthusiasts that are ordering your products?
 Click here to be amazed at their offerings.

In this Holiday 2009 issue, What on Earth is selling boyfriends for $20.

Not loving, human, 6 foot tall boyfriends with brown hair and the cutest smile ever who are  hilarious and brilliant and into Bruce Springsteen and are fun to hang out with and who love flavored coffee and pumpkin spiced baked goods, and who bring me iced tea and flowers in the middle of the day just because he's the sweetest man on the planet.
No.

They are selling the kind that will put their polyester-stuffed arm around you, and make you feel safe and secure while watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls. You'll feel protected in the way that only a stuffed torso with one prosthetic arm can make you feel.
Never again will we have to watch TV "alone," or feel like you're all alone in this crazy, lonely, one-arm-less world.

With:  THE MANPILLOW

If you've always been more of a "Lieutenant Dan type of girl" rather than running man Forrest Gump - your wait is over.  Now you can have that legless man in your bed, on your couch, or riding next to you in shotgun.

Here is the creepy description that promises women that this manpillow will do everything that REAL boyfriends won't. Like care about our feelings or TV show preferences.
Amazing:

ALL THE STUFF YOU'D NEVER HEAR FROM A REAL BOYFRIEND.

Breathtaking.

Also: IMPORTED FROM WHERE?! I need to know what customs and social norms he is used to, and what kind of food I can cook for us now that we'll be spending all these nights in on the couch, cuddling.
 

I know you all woke up this morning, asking yourself this very question as you slipped a string necklace over your head and adjusted it's jewel - a black flair pen - around to the front.
And just like Jimmy Fallon reunited the cast of Saved by the Bell (sans Screech, thank God), I decided that if I had my own talk show, I'd work on reuniting the cast of the literacy-promoting show Ghostwriter.

David López Alejandro "Alex" Fernandez
Barely surviving the humiliating smear fliers, this Queens-native was a character voice on the Grand Theft Auto video game in 2004 (for those of you GTA enthusiasts that read my website, he's in the San Andreas edition).  His last documented words to the press are, "My main ambition in life is to go back to Colombia and have a family." 
But first, Handro stopped off at Rutgers University in 2002 and has graduated (hopefully... unless he's a doctor or lawyer that moonlights as a video game voiceover) and gone back to the motherland. 
(*note: Alejandro was both me and my sister's first crush, and we sent him a letter telling him that in '94, and got a postcard back with a general "Thanks for being on the team!" or some non-personal crap.)

Sheldon Turnipseed Jamal Jenkins
Rally J, guys.  As the ringleader for most of the team's THABTO-hunting shenanigans, Sheldon decided to stay close to his Brooklyn home and attend NYU in 2002 and has since graduated. Since his alma mater is about 2 blocks from where I'm sitting now, this can only mean that a sighting during alumni week is basically guaranteed.
After being nominated twice for a Young Artist Award for both "Ghostwriter" and "Mo Better Blues" (1990), Jamal has basically chilled out and is probably a normal, productive citizen. Booorrrring.

Blaze Berdahl Lenni Frazier
This angsty team-member grew up to have a pretty normal adulthood, in spite of Stoop Dude's best efforts to make her crazy. Born in New York to a Broadway actor father and teacher mother, stepped away from the blank blue screen once and for all, and went off to Bucknell University and joined the same sorority as Tina (The asian one. See next). She was guest-starring for a bit on Third Watch, and got married to a guy named Stephen in '07 and now does voiceovers.

Tram-Anh Tran Tina Nguyen
The Vietnamese phenom has done nothing else on screen before or after her days as Tina, the classy and sassy one (Think: Lisa Turtle of GW). After 35 episodes and a Young Artist Award nomination, Tran hung up the flair pen and went to Penn State University, and was in a sorority and no doubt was asked every single day about who's a better kisser: Alex or Jamal. She graduated in 2001 with a degree in finance, and is probably loving being 30 somewhere.

Mayteana Morales Gabriella 'Gaby' Fernandez
After leaving the bodega for good, Gaby went to NYU with Jamal to study drama, and graduated in 2003.  She has most recently been seen doing dinner theatre productions and uncredited roles in obscure movies. Every time I go into a deli, I still think about the brother-sister duo living above me, beds separated by sheets and talking about the mystery that they're trying to solve with the help of a literate ghost.

Todd Alexander  Rob Baker
Prior to his GW-fame, he was in "Lean on Me" with Morgan Freeman.  Todd, whose last name is actually Cohen, was last documented high-fiving Jamal and Gaby around the quad at NYU, before he graduated in 2002. He is probably just chilling somewhere.

William Hernandez Hector Carrero
The Puerto Rican slash American (from NYC, of course) made a cameo for 2 seasons of GW and has since played a priest, a gang member, a police officer, a lawyer, a messenger, and a guy named "Silvio," in various movies.
His most recent role is playing himself in the Real World: Philadelphia, and is a self-proclaimed "avid Madonna fan" who left home at age 15 because his parent's weren't down with his lifestyle. He currently works as a part-time personal shopper, and has wisely chosen to not participate in any Real World / Road Rules Challenges, that would put him through some sort of gauntlet or inferno, and therefore public humiliation.

Richard Cox Max Frazier
Born in NYC's Chelsea hood in '48, Max had lucrative Broadway career (really making it in "Grease," obviously. Have you seen that mullet?) and since playing Lenni's hip, beret-wearing, keyboard-playing single father, has almost 100 TV credits for playing roles from a senator to a stalker. Not bad!

Marcella Lowery  Grandma Jenkins
Born in the '40s in Queens, nobody was more influential to Jamal, and the team, than Ghostwriter. Sike! I'm talking about Grandma Jenkins. (Nobody knows when or where GW was born. The investigation was inconclusive during season 1, episode 1.)
In '97, G-ma Jenkins was nominated for an Image Award for her role in "City Guys," and continues to be a guiding light in the life of a younger man as she now plays Donovan McNabb's mom in the Chunky Soup commercials.

and the who we don't even need to wonder "where is he now?!" about...

Samuel L. Jackson  Reggie Jenkins
And the "Most Improved Career" award goes to: Samuel L. Jackson. 
His Oscar nomination, 17 awards and 34 other nominations are just the result of his 3 episode cameo in the "Who burned Mr. Brinker's store?" debacle of '92.  The intensity in his eyes, when he studied the surveillance tape, and the way he negotiated information out of Jamal and the team and Mr. Brinker to find out the true story... these were all stepping stones to his prolific career.

Samuel L, you win the "where are they now?" because we all know. Hollywood. Kicking ass and taking names.

Aliens, and how they use corn fields as their canvas for relaying messages to their followers.

Murderers, and how they probably are hiding out between the stalks, wearing scarecrow costumes and pretending like they're "part of the show."

Fun, and how it's something I just cannot have when running around a labyrinth outside in the dark, unsure of where I am and what's touching my leg and wondering when someone in a freaky costume will pop out.

Corn, and how good it is, and how I would like to eat some corn on the cob right now.

Clowns, and how they find a way to ruin everything.


And even if I did somehow make it to the end, I know this is what I'd find:

Last Friday I saw my amazing friend Kelli star (alongside B-Way vets and SNL's Celine Dion impersonator, Ana Gasteyer) in this HILARIOUS play called The Royal Family on Broadway. Seriously, if you are in/around the tri-state area, go see it. It opens this Thursday officially but it is amazing. Chances are, if you, my dear reader, are coming to visit me here in the next 4 months, we will be seeing this and powering laughing from the Mezzanine level.

After the show, I got to meet Ana and tell her casually that I love her SNL work, and she was super normal and seriously HILARIOUS in this show. She's amazing.

Kelli had told her about my SNL dreams, and made the connection backstage that "this was the one that's going to be on SNL," to which Ana smiled encouragingly, and I simply told her, "it's true." That's all I could think of.  IT'S TRUE?! I have SO much game.

But of course, channeling Cinderella, I accidentally left my dayplanner (full of an embarrassing amount of post-its that say things like "do some yoga today" and "get on SNL" and "Spinach?") in the bathroom at the theatre.

On the back page, I have written a quote from Lorne Michaels that says:
"You can tell a lot from someone's eyes."

I went back to get it the next night, and the house manager exclaimed "Oh yeah! Does it have a Lorne Michaels quote in the back?" So I, excited that my life-guide has been found, screamed out "YES!"
He said that he saw the quote and thought it was Ana Gasteyer's, and asked her if it was hers, showing her the quote in the back.

Awesome.

Now Ana Gasteyer knows.

Someone is making one of my all-time fave books,Eat Pray Love, (for those of you who habla espanol: Comer Rezar Amor), into a movie starring Julia Roberts, and I want to talk about it. I’m simultaneously excited and freaked out, because it gave me flashbacks to The DaVinci Code Fiasco of turning a very successful book into a movie starring someone who is distractingly famous. It’s not like Robert Langdon experienced the kind of extreme emotional changes and personal struggles and victories that Liz went through – though Symbology is exciting as well.

 I feel like Julia Roberts is WAY too graceful to play the awkward and anxious Liz Gilbert during her year of pasta-eating self-discovery.  

My BFF Jenna gave me this book for my birthday a few years ago, before the hype and just before I was go to backpacking in Europe by myself and then moving to New York City. It was perfect for where I was at emotionally, and all nine times I’ve read it since then I’ve been in different places geographically, emotionally, mentally, socio-economically, etc. and it seems new each time.


Let’s play a little game I like to call Casting Director. 

I think that Toni Collette would be an awesome Liz.

But what’s even more amazing, is that they’ve cast Javier Bardem as Felipe, her brazilian lover-turned-husband that she now lives with in Elizabeth, New Jersey.  Other huge names in it are Billy Crudup as her ex-husband and James Franco as her angsty, skinny-jeans wearing post-divorce rebound.

What? Of course I’m going to see it, because I’m curious about how they’re going to show all of the feelings slash emotions that lace the pages of EPL (for you texters out there, that’s the code to use when hollering “hey fellas, let’s see EPL after the game! ttyl” – something like that.) I just hope it’s not too psychedelic or Rainman-ish. There’s a five person special effects crew, which I hope is there for the “two cool blue souls” part on the rooftop of the ashram in India when she comes to grips with her divorce after reading Richard’s poem, because that was one of my faves.

To be continued in 2011… at about midnight on opening night.

I had to practice on boulders before I could move mountains.

feats of strength: the formative years

I think I'm 2 years old (?!) when my mom (Nance) took this, at Lummi Island in the San Juans. wearing signature purple-on-blue. amazing. my g-rents have a cabin there, and one summer a walrus washed up on shore with a bullet wound in it. other than that, it was always very serene and fun to light off illegal fireworks we bought on the reservation (please see below: "people who get it").

I think what I'm really looking for here are the starfish that year after year I harvest, along with my siblings and cousins, from under these huge rocks. Yeah it's messed up now looking back on it, but when you're small and there's a star shaped creature that clings to rocks and has a beak, you must harvest as many as possible and dry them out on the rocks as souvenirs. that's the way loves goes (janet jackson). 

every summer my extended family climbs up on this boulder and has a photoshoot, and it's fascinating to actually track annual progression in my unfashionable but confident childhood (looney tunes and winnie-the-pooh being a common theme in my wardrobe for all of my formative years. I'm a better person for it though, it could be much worse. I could have been forced to wear something with rhinestones that was designed by some clown like hannah montana).

either way, I loved that my mom let me wear tutu's and leotards on a daily basis. if they want, my future children won't have a closet, they'll have a costume trunk.

it only took 2 and a half years, but I am now living in my dream neighborhood. No I'm not talking about Mumbai. I'm talking about PARK SLOPE, Crooklyn.

The only way I can describe it to people is by referencing the Cosby show, the neighborhood that the Huckstables lived in. Majestic brownstones, trees lining every block, rogue strollers and dogs galore, it's perfect. I am obsessed with Roots coffee that my bf's amigo Jamey owns, and if you are in the hood go to it - it's on 5th avenue and 18th street. go there, he is the coolest and the food is amazing and southern and the furniture is stuffed and comfortable.

I love how now I am treating my weird, sporadically updated website like a place to review places I love. But if I had my own talk show, I'd do an episode on Roots Cafe. And Jamey's wife Randi would be on and talk about fun stuff, and then Jamey would play "river's edge," a beautiful song my boyfriend and i slow dance to, though it's maybe not meant to be slow danced to. Either way, I love to slow dance with Brendan Fitzgibbons. And now it's in writing.

Two winters ago I lived on the "scary" side, in a studio apartment on prospect park east (what whaaat!) where 1 of the 9 locks still worked and hadn't been kicked in, and where the street scenes of Dangerous Minds were filmed. I'm kidding.
But getting here was not easy, and finding my fantasy apartment was anything but that - meeting the most SKETCH-TASTIC individuals that of course would only advertise on craigslist. i love craigslist, but his list is full of creepies.

 

plus, sleeping outside in a tent is a blast. salmon bakes, bonfires and dance parties. count me in.
 i wish that i could've seen what america and it's native people looked like in the hey-day before john smith and co. came over and jacked things up.

this is the co-owner of monte's italian restaurant in the village (in the picture with me, after an intense night with jacki and tortelloni al pesto and tubs of gelato) - the place is godfather-fab, and amazing - but  i believe italians get it. most important, is that they close up shop mid-day TO GO TAKE A NAP. why is this not a universal social norm?

italians drive around on MOPEDS! genius! i would gladly trade in the 6 train (starring in the newly released horror movie "the taking of pelham 123," which is scary because I COMMUTE ON THAT DAILY. thanks a lot, hollywood d.bags).
the language is beautiful, and even things like "no thanks, i'm allergic to fish" come off sounding like a love confession.
also, raviolis and basically all kinds of pasta are delicious, and if i could have an IV of some sweet italian vino attached to my forearm, that'd be amazing.


(photo taken by jacki, just before the gelato-and-cannoli massacre)