Right now I am living in a city where it's commonplace for someone to get stabbed on the D-train over a dirty plastic seat, where "wrong place at the wrong time" means getting punched by a mentally insane hobo, and most altercations on the morning commute start with a wayward backpack hitting someone’s cup of coffee and a “oh no you did NOT just do that!"

That brings us to this installment of...
What I’d Talk About If I Had My Own Talk Show:  Oh yes they DID! 
Pet peeves, crimes and annoying things people do that are confusing.

In each fun-fact-filled edition of "Oh no you didn't!" I'll highlight someone who has gotten a bad rap sheet for freaking out too much, for getting in a cat fight (Courtney Love and anyone) or orchestrating a dog fight (Vick), or for generally losing their mind (Busey). This is all in the  name of justice, and finding out what they DIDN'T and DID do.

Oh No He DIDN'T:

Spit on a little girl in the stands. (Oh no) he did not “get enough foam” in his mouth when he tried to spit on a heckler - missed - and his wayward saliva bomb landed on a young girl, at a game in NJ in ’93. Nice one. He was suspended, fined, ridiculed, tarred and feathered in Phoenix's public square.

Get nicknamed “Sir Charles,” for being aggressive and outspoken. Last I checked (AKA just now on dictionary dot com, the epitome of word genealogy), that title is a distinctive title of a knight or baronet (no), a title of respect for someone notable in ancient times (nope), a lord or gentleman (game over).

Go from Republican to Independent, just to run for Governor of Alabama.  Charles announced that he’ll be running for Governor of Alabama in 2014, as an Independent candidate, he says it’s because: “Republicans and Democrats want to argue over stuff that's not important, like gay marriage or the war in Iraq or illegal immigration... When I run — if I run — we're going to talk about real issues like improving our schools, cleaning up our neighborhoods of drugs and crime and making Alabama a better place for all people.” Wow. So as long as there are zero gays, soldiers, or immigrants in Alabama, it should be a pretty smooth campaign.


Oh yes he DID:

Get called “fat” in high school. An assistant coach of Auburn University (where Barkley would end up) was scouting at his high school basketball game, and reported seeing “a fat guy who can play like the wind.” Umm, what? Nice recruiting trip feedback, weirdo. But honestly, this makes me like Charles, because this means that maybe once this pro athlete hesitated before annihilated a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked after losing the final match at the Washington State Women’s Tennis competition in 2002, and then took to the spoon to get over it. Reports say that Charles “struggled to control his weight” but continued to excel in basketball. Then clearly, the extra few pounds were a good thing, as it VERY OFTEN is in the world of professional athletics. And I bet the guy who called him fat in high school has some pretty bad karma. He deserves it for being a d-bag and calling a promising high school athlete a fatty.

Become friends with the young girl and her fam, and learned to calm down. He apologized, and developed a friendship with them, and gave them prizes, like tickets. He may have let her punch him once in the stomach, to get even. Not sure. But I’d like to think so. He said that this incident was his only regret, and that he learned that he needed to calm down.

Win an Emmy. He won for his role as a color commentator on basketball. No, Klan members, not that color. Charles was hired to liven up the commentating with fun sports jargon, jokes and strategy insights.

Refuse to father everyone’s children. In ’93 he got flack when he declared that sports figures should not be role models, and I completely agree. So did Dan Quayle. They are regular people with problems, faults, criminal backgrounds and personality disorders, who just have irregular sized quads and the ability to dunk from a standing position. Quayle said that Barkley’s “family values message” is important and that parents and teachers need to be role models themselves. Are those now the qualifications for parenting? Being good at something and having cameras on you? Yikes. He stated, "A million guys can dunk a basketball in jail; should they be role models?" Unless Mr. Barkley’s DNA is in your kid (if it is, then hello Maureen Blumhardt, and thank you for visiting my website), it’s up to you to make sure your children don’t drive drunk in Phoenix, spit on innocent bystanders, or make a cameo in Space Jam.

ストーリーテリングと呼ばれるパフォーマンスが、大きなブームとなっています。いわば、観客参加型の体験談告白イベント。会場に集まった観客を前に、あら かじめ決められたテーマに沿って、自らの体験談を披露します。制限時間は５分。笑わせたり、泣かせたり。どれだけ感動させられたかを観客から選ばれた審査 員が評価し、優勝を決めていきます。その優勝者が自叙伝を出版して大きな話題になるなど、ストーリーテリングのブームは、社会現象にもなっています。プロ のコメディアンを目指す、ジェナ・ブリスターも、ストーリーテリングにチャンスを見出したひとり。ストーリーテリングのイベントでの優勝をめざす、ジェナ の日々を追います。

Laws are like sausages, it is better to not see them being made.                                         -Otto von Bismarck

Some factories are not visitor-friendly, and for good reason.  Sausages, minced meat, knock-off purses and glue (RIP Black Beauty) are all made in places that most commoners would not be let in, guided around and offered free samples. For good reason: they are scary, probably dirty, and doing illegal things. This is NOT TRUE of the Magic Hat factory.

They have free samples, a fun-house tour, a sweet beagle-ish dog that lurks around the gift shop, and A PHOTO BOOTH!

So legit! I think if I was going to have a factory, I'd want it to make dark chocolate head statues. People could make a bust of their head, or even their pet's head or paw, and have it turned into a solid chocolate memory.

Pets would be tricky, with all the fur and dirt that their little paws pick up. But there would be a tour, taking people through all the steps of imprinting, mold-making, chocolate pouring and chilling.

How 'bout it, science?

I haven't sat on a Santa in many years. If you have a child and are considering letting him slash her participate in this tradition of asking mystical strangers for what we want (land gypsies, Ursula the sea witch, waitress at Rainforest Cafe) then you may want to do a background check of the "seasonal freelancers" at your local shopping mall.  (Or if you are a child and somehow managed to google your way to my website, watch out for this coming down your chimney):

Honestly, WHAT PARENT would hand their adorable little girl over to this plastic clown santa doll NIGHTMARE for a photo op. Not worth it.

I can stop looking at the eyes and the cheek bones. HOW?

It should be easy to tell who is creepy just by looking at the Santa, and his wild, white mane and rosy-red cheeks and nose (horrifying).

But what if looks are deceiving? What if he looks like a sweet old guy who was probably in the Navy during WWI but didn't experience combat because he was a flute player and everyone wanted to keep him alive for morale purposes, like a little mascot or lucky charm, because he was cute and tiny and had a sweet little beard and could do the Charleston like an angel. WHAT THEN?

You would probably hand your child over without question, just because HE LOOKS more normal than the clownshow pictured above.

But don't be so trusting! Red velvet and white faux-fur lining is the perfect disguise. 

It seems like there are entire stores devoted to everything I wish I could do. Some examples of stores I've paused in front of, and gazed at in silent envy:
1. Knitting
2. Guitar-strumming
3. Scrapbooking
4. Plumbing
5. Pet ownership

But I still haven't taken the plunge and bought those needles, laid out those photos on decorative cardstock, or adopted that Saint Bernard.

I've always blamed my busy schedule, nice apartment or Hanson-like singing voice on why I've waited on all of the above, but now I know the real reason. The stores just didn't sound "circusy" enough:

With their "Tremendous Selection" I'm sure to find one new hobby instrument in "Hundreds of new & rebuilt accordions all at discount prices." (If anyone in South Amboy is reading my website, please notify A-O-R that I'm out here, and that I'm ready to strap up and start pounding the ivory.

Let this be a warning to those Hobby Huts and Knit-Wits (I made that up just now), add a pinch of Barnum and a dash of Bailey, and people will come.

If there is one ballet I can't even begin to understand, it's the Nutcracker. It seems like one big nightmare involving large rodents and kitchen appliances gone psycho.
But actual nutcrackers can be helpful if you're sitting around your study, blowing dust off of rare books, puffing on a pipe and reaching into a bowl of shelled snacks. It's only when they insert them into the neck or body of a toy wooden soldier does it become confusing.

In this weird What On Earth catalog (see previous "Manpillow" entry), there's a page of Obama Administration gag gifts. Right next to the Obama Chia Head of State is this SALE ITEM (do they discount because she lost?)

HILLARY NUTCRACKER: complete with blue power blazer, butch blond haircut, and f-you Bill state of mind. 

Spice up your holiday snack table, or bring a stone-cold presence to that life-like nativity scene on your coffee table.
Now you can shell walnuts AND make a political statement.

The little paragraph also re-names her "Hillary the Thighmistress." And that she has rock-solid STAINLESS STEEL THIGHS FOR GETTING THE JOB DONE. Brilliant. I'm getting one.

Finally, a nutcracker that doesn't give me the creeps. The willies maybe, but this isn't as bad as the soldier that haunts my christmas-time ballet nightmares.

One of my favorite things to do at work is go through the ridiculous catalogs that somehow make it into print.
My fave: What on Earth.
Yes, it's called that, because WHAT ON EARTH are these things that you are selling, and WHO are the crazy cat ladies and sassy grandmas and library book enthusiasts that are ordering your products?
 Click here to be amazed at their offerings.

In this Holiday 2009 issue, What on Earth is selling boyfriends for $20.

Not loving, human, 6 foot tall boyfriends with brown hair and the cutest smile ever who are  hilarious and brilliant and into Bruce Springsteen and are fun to hang out with and who love flavored coffee and pumpkin spiced baked goods, and who bring me iced tea and flowers in the middle of the day just because he's the sweetest man on the planet.
No.

They are selling the kind that will put their polyester-stuffed arm around you, and make you feel safe and secure while watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls. You'll feel protected in the way that only a stuffed torso with one prosthetic arm can make you feel.
Never again will we have to watch TV "alone," or feel like you're all alone in this crazy, lonely, one-arm-less world.

With:  THE MANPILLOW

If you've always been more of a "Lieutenant Dan type of girl" rather than running man Forrest Gump - your wait is over.  Now you can have that legless man in your bed, on your couch, or riding next to you in shotgun.

Here is the creepy description that promises women that this manpillow will do everything that REAL boyfriends won't. Like care about our feelings or TV show preferences.
Amazing:

ALL THE STUFF YOU'D NEVER HEAR FROM A REAL BOYFRIEND.

Breathtaking.

Also: IMPORTED FROM WHERE?! I need to know what customs and social norms he is used to, and what kind of food I can cook for us now that we'll be spending all these nights in on the couch, cuddling.
 

I know you all woke up this morning, asking yourself this very question as you slipped a string necklace over your head and adjusted it's jewel - a black flair pen - around to the front.
And just like Jimmy Fallon reunited the cast of Saved by the Bell (sans Screech, thank God), I decided that if I had my own talk show, I'd work on reuniting the cast of the literacy-promoting show Ghostwriter.

David López Alejandro "Alex" Fernandez
Barely surviving the humiliating smear fliers, this Queens-native was a character voice on the Grand Theft Auto video game in 2004 (for those of you GTA enthusiasts that read my website, he's in the San Andreas edition).  His last documented words to the press are, "My main ambition in life is to go back to Colombia and have a family." 
But first, Handro stopped off at Rutgers University in 2002 and has graduated (hopefully... unless he's a doctor or lawyer that moonlights as a video game voiceover) and gone back to the motherland. 
(*note: Alejandro was both me and my sister's first crush, and we sent him a letter telling him that in '94, and got a postcard back with a general "Thanks for being on the team!" or some non-personal crap.)

Sheldon Turnipseed Jamal Jenkins
Rally J, guys.  As the ringleader for most of the team's THABTO-hunting shenanigans, Sheldon decided to stay close to his Brooklyn home and attend NYU in 2002 and has since graduated. Since his alma mater is about 2 blocks from where I'm sitting now, this can only mean that a sighting during alumni week is basically guaranteed.
After being nominated twice for a Young Artist Award for both "Ghostwriter" and "Mo Better Blues" (1990), Jamal has basically chilled out and is probably a normal, productive citizen. Booorrrring.

Blaze Berdahl Lenni Frazier
This angsty team-member grew up to have a pretty normal adulthood, in spite of Stoop Dude's best efforts to make her crazy. Born in New York to a Broadway actor father and teacher mother, stepped away from the blank blue screen once and for all, and went off to Bucknell University and joined the same sorority as Tina (The asian one. See next). She was guest-starring for a bit on Third Watch, and got married to a guy named Stephen in '07 and now does voiceovers.

Tram-Anh Tran Tina Nguyen
The Vietnamese phenom has done nothing else on screen before or after her days as Tina, the classy and sassy one (Think: Lisa Turtle of GW). After 35 episodes and a Young Artist Award nomination, Tran hung up the flair pen and went to Penn State University, and was in a sorority and no doubt was asked every single day about who's a better kisser: Alex or Jamal. She graduated in 2001 with a degree in finance, and is probably loving being 30 somewhere.

Mayteana Morales Gabriella 'Gaby' Fernandez
After leaving the bodega for good, Gaby went to NYU with Jamal to study drama, and graduated in 2003.  She has most recently been seen doing dinner theatre productions and uncredited roles in obscure movies. Every time I go into a deli, I still think about the brother-sister duo living above me, beds separated by sheets and talking about the mystery that they're trying to solve with the help of a literate ghost.

Todd Alexander  Rob Baker
Prior to his GW-fame, he was in "Lean on Me" with Morgan Freeman.  Todd, whose last name is actually Cohen, was last documented high-fiving Jamal and Gaby around the quad at NYU, before he graduated in 2002. He is probably just chilling somewhere.

William Hernandez Hector Carrero
The Puerto Rican slash American (from NYC, of course) made a cameo for 2 seasons of GW and has since played a priest, a gang member, a police officer, a lawyer, a messenger, and a guy named "Silvio," in various movies.
His most recent role is playing himself in the Real World: Philadelphia, and is a self-proclaimed "avid Madonna fan" who left home at age 15 because his parent's weren't down with his lifestyle. He currently works as a part-time personal shopper, and has wisely chosen to not participate in any Real World / Road Rules Challenges, that would put him through some sort of gauntlet or inferno, and therefore public humiliation.

Richard Cox Max Frazier
Born in NYC's Chelsea hood in '48, Max had lucrative Broadway career (really making it in "Grease," obviously. Have you seen that mullet?) and since playing Lenni's hip, beret-wearing, keyboard-playing single father, has almost 100 TV credits for playing roles from a senator to a stalker. Not bad!

Marcella Lowery  Grandma Jenkins
Born in the '40s in Queens, nobody was more influential to Jamal, and the team, than Ghostwriter. Sike! I'm talking about Grandma Jenkins. (Nobody knows when or where GW was born. The investigation was inconclusive during season 1, episode 1.)
In '97, G-ma Jenkins was nominated for an Image Award for her role in "City Guys," and continues to be a guiding light in the life of a younger man as she now plays Donovan McNabb's mom in the Chunky Soup commercials.

and the who we don't even need to wonder "where is he now?!" about...

Samuel L. Jackson  Reggie Jenkins
And the "Most Improved Career" award goes to: Samuel L. Jackson. 
His Oscar nomination, 17 awards and 34 other nominations are just the result of his 3 episode cameo in the "Who burned Mr. Brinker's store?" debacle of '92.  The intensity in his eyes, when he studied the surveillance tape, and the way he negotiated information out of Jamal and the team and Mr. Brinker to find out the true story... these were all stepping stones to his prolific career.

Samuel L, you win the "where are they now?" because we all know. Hollywood. Kicking ass and taking names.

Aliens, and how they use corn fields as their canvas for relaying messages to their followers.

Murderers, and how they probably are hiding out between the stalks, wearing scarecrow costumes and pretending like they're "part of the show."

Fun, and how it's something I just cannot have when running around a labyrinth outside in the dark, unsure of where I am and what's touching my leg and wondering when someone in a freaky costume will pop out.

Corn, and how good it is, and how I would like to eat some corn on the cob right now.

Clowns, and how they find a way to ruin everything.


And even if I did somehow make it to the end, I know this is what I'd find:

Last Friday I saw my amazing friend Kelli star (alongside B-Way vets and SNL's Celine Dion impersonator, Ana Gasteyer) in this HILARIOUS play called The Royal Family on Broadway. Seriously, if you are in/around the tri-state area, go see it. It opens this Thursday officially but it is amazing. Chances are, if you, my dear reader, are coming to visit me here in the next 4 months, we will be seeing this and powering laughing from the Mezzanine level.

After the show, I got to meet Ana and tell her casually that I love her SNL work, and she was super normal and seriously HILARIOUS in this show. She's amazing.

Kelli had told her about my SNL dreams, and made the connection backstage that "this was the one that's going to be on SNL," to which Ana smiled encouragingly, and I simply told her, "it's true." That's all I could think of.  IT'S TRUE?! I have SO much game.

But of course, channeling Cinderella, I accidentally left my dayplanner (full of an embarrassing amount of post-its that say things like "do some yoga today" and "get on SNL" and "Spinach?") in the bathroom at the theatre.

On the back page, I have written a quote from Lorne Michaels that says:
"You can tell a lot from someone's eyes."

I went back to get it the next night, and the house manager exclaimed "Oh yeah! Does it have a Lorne Michaels quote in the back?" So I, excited that my life-guide has been found, screamed out "YES!"
He said that he saw the quote and thought it was Ana Gasteyer's, and asked her if it was hers, showing her the quote in the back.

Awesome.

Now Ana Gasteyer knows.