Hey, guys. I love the morning paper, because it
A. gives me something to do on the commute if I forget to bring a book
B. the horoscopes are always unorthodox and clearly written by a total whack-job land gypsy
C. serves as a good napkin when I spill coffee on myself from that wicked curve just before going over the Brooklyn Bridge, and finally
D. the insane ads and headlines make me laugh out loud. Or cringe.
Or question news-media altogether.
But mostly just cringe, especially at the ads for things I never knew existed.
This little sidebar somehow made it into the AMNY paper this morning, and even though they only have 22 precious sheets to utilize with the most important, pertinent, newsworthy, and intelligent reporting, THIS little gem shows up to let us readers know that a mass murder MAY have mental problems, BUT IT IS NOT CERTAIN.
REALLY!?!? Come on! Of course anyone, even a 39 year-old Mr. Speight, who was employed as a SECURITY GUARD of all things, would admit that someone who has the bloodthirst to actually massacre a bunch of people is in fact harboring some MENTAL PROBLEMS. Wtf, reporter.
Good luck, Virginians. If they aren't certain this guy's got mental problems already, he'll be back on the streets shortly (living out his hallucination that he was kicked out of his sister's house) and they'll probably arm him with a security guard's rifle and badge.
When I saw this next ad, I choked on my Stumptown Coffee.
The big red tales-from-the-crypt-font headline instantly made me think they want to help me with "dressing for my body type" or "what else can my new blender do?"
But then I looked closer.
But no, my friends. It's about figuring out if you are a man or a woman. And then once you know what you have, how to "work" it.
Check this out:
And because when I started this website I secretly vowed to bring tricky advertisers to their knees (through prank-calling and public humiliation) I will call this "What you have and how to work it" hotline and find out what on earth this is, and will report back shortly. I'd do it now, but I don't want to freak out my precious colleagues with the follow-up questions I will undoubtedly have to ask.
And of course, after the androgynous person reads about how to solve their life's One Great Mystery, they can refer to the ad below it and get get CHILD CARE. Nice ad placement, weirdos. Keep the sexually confused ads on one page, they have enough problems.
An economical depression is sure to cause pesky crows feet to show up, from all that squinting at the light reflecting off of Lady Liberty's torch.
Do you have naturally occurring wrinkles that tell the world, "Yes, I've seen war" or "Yes, movie theaters, I will take a discounted senior citizen ticket."
Come relieve stress, lose character
and proof that you have ever laughed at the:
