I haven't sat on a Santa in many years. If you have a child and are considering letting him slash her participate in this tradition of asking mystical strangers for what we want (land gypsies, Ursula the sea witch, waitress at Rainforest Cafe) then you may want to do a background check of the "seasonal freelancers" at your local shopping mall.  (Or if you are a child and somehow managed to google your way to my website, watch out for this coming down your chimney):

Honestly, WHAT PARENT would hand their adorable little girl over to this plastic clown santa doll NIGHTMARE for a photo op. Not worth it.

I can stop looking at the eyes and the cheek bones. HOW?

It should be easy to tell who is creepy just by looking at the Santa, and his wild, white mane and rosy-red cheeks and nose (horrifying).

But what if looks are deceiving? What if he looks like a sweet old guy who was probably in the Navy during WWI but didn't experience combat because he was a flute player and everyone wanted to keep him alive for morale purposes, like a little mascot or lucky charm, because he was cute and tiny and had a sweet little beard and could do the Charleston like an angel. WHAT THEN?

You would probably hand your child over without question, just because HE LOOKS more normal than the clownshow pictured above.

But don't be so trusting! Red velvet and white faux-fur lining is the perfect disguise.