If there is one ballet I can't even begin to understand, it's the Nutcracker. It seems like one big nightmare involving large rodents and kitchen appliances gone psycho.
But actual nutcrackers can be helpful if you're sitting around your study, blowing dust off of rare books, puffing on a pipe and reaching into a bowl of shelled snacks. It's only when they insert them into the neck or body of a toy wooden soldier does it become confusing.

In this weird What On Earth catalog (see previous "Manpillow" entry), there's a page of Obama Administration gag gifts. Right next to the Obama Chia Head of State is this SALE ITEM (do they discount because she lost?)

HILLARY NUTCRACKER: complete with blue power blazer, butch blond haircut, and f-you Bill state of mind. 

Spice up your holiday snack table, or bring a stone-cold presence to that life-like nativity scene on your coffee table.
Now you can shell walnuts AND make a political statement.

The little paragraph also re-names her "Hillary the Thighmistress." And that she has rock-solid STAINLESS STEEL THIGHS FOR GETTING THE JOB DONE. Brilliant. I'm getting one.

Finally, a nutcracker that doesn't give me the creeps. The willies maybe, but this isn't as bad as the soldier that haunts my christmas-time ballet nightmares.